How to master conversations for conflict resolution

In my last article, “Get comfy with conflict because it’s here to stay”, I described how to prepare your inner state for conflict resolution. The next step is to have that “conversation”.  Yes, these can be tough, difficult and unnerving but with the right skills and attitude, a win-win outcome is within your reach.

So how do you achieve a balance between what both parties want and keep the relationship intact? There are several key steps in doing this. These are the ones I find most effective:

Check your mindset

We often anticipate that the interaction will be difficult and end badly and therefore feel anxious about the conversation we are about to have. We can, however, reframe this so that for example, instead of thinking that we are about to give unfavourable feedback about performance we think of it as providing feedforward that will allow the person to learn, grow, think outside their box and develop to their full potential. You’re not telling someone their ideas suck or their solution missed the mark, instead, you are offering alternate options for them to consider or better still, an opportunity for them to consider other options.

You need to have the right intention and energy going into a difficult conversation…if you are coming from a place of judgment, anger or frustration, which often happens, it can never be a constructive conversation.

Respect is key

Keeping in mind the importance of keeping the relationship intact, the conversation needs to focus on facts, actions and behaviours and not the person. Be hard on the problem and soft on the person. Be respectful of the person and yourself…don’t say or do anything that you may not be proud of later.

It’s useful to state facts from your perspective. Using the “I” statement stating how you feel about a particular issue, event or behaviour and what you need keeps the discussion on track and away from the blame game. The best “I” statement is free of expectation. It is a clean and clear statement of how it is from your side and how you would prefer it to be. Here is how you can effectively construct an “I” statement:

• When…
• I feel…
• And what I’d like is that I…

Here is an example of how this may sound. “When I hear the sarcasm in your voice, I feel put down and humiliated, and what I’d like is that I am able to resolve the problem with you without feeling afraid and incompetent."

Plan but don’t rehearse

Complex and crucial conversations rarely go as planned so having a scripted dialogue can backfire leaving you even more panicked, flustered and at increased risk of reactive behaviour. Even if this does not occur, the conversation will not feel authentic, genuine or heartfelt and this could prevent the creation of the trust and rapport most vital to moving the conversation forward and resolving the conflict in a positive manner. 

Take in a compass rather than a map with specific directions, in that way as long as you have the desired outcome in mind you can gauge when you are going off direction and get back on track.

Focus on the outcome or goal

Whilst emotions will not disappear, we can prevent from reacting with extremes, be it confronting more aggressively or rushing to smooth things over, and steer to the middle. How? By knowing what outcomes we want and by focusing on these goals despite our emotions.

Think about and plan the actions you can take to achieve your goals for this interaction e.g. what actions could you take if your goals were to:

• avoid the desire to punish or blame
• improve the situation
• communicate your feelings appropriately
• improve the relationship and increase communication
• avoid repeating the same situation.

When I assume, I “makes an ass out of you and me” - Don’t do it!

If you have ever been married or in a relationship, you know how dangerous it is to assume what the other person is thinking let alone what the problem is. ASK! Show that you are genuinely interested in what’s going on, how the person feels and listen with empathy. Give your 100% attention to the conversation and ensure there can be no distractions or interruptions especially from your mobile phone…switch it off!

We are listening to gather Information and getting a clearer picture. When you move into active listening mode to get the information you are trying to find out about needs, instructions and perhaps background information. Here is what you do:

• Ask Questions - Find out about needs, instructions, context, timing, costs etc.
• Check Back - to be sure you have heard and understood the relevant details.
• Summarise - to make sure you both agree on the facts and nothing has been left out.

Don’t rush to fix it

We tend to want to jump straight into solutions. Resist the need to fix and focus on finding out how it is on the other side first. Slow down the pace as it helps you get the words right and signals to your counterpart that you are listening. Let them talk about the problem and your job is to help them really hear what they are saying and for them to hear that you acknowledge their feelings. Here are some tips on how you can best do this:

• Listen attentively to your counterpart - it builds the relationship. Read the non-verbal as well as the verbal communication to assess feelings. Remember that your active listening is a method of helping the other person focus below the words to the unresolved issues.
• Reflect back to them their feelings, and perhaps the content of the problem with a single statement of acknowledgment periodically.
• Explore - If time permits, assist the speaker in finding greater clarity and understanding for themselves as this serves them best. You might take several interchanges reflecting back the person's feelings over a longer period of time so that you both explore the difficulty in more depth. To get a "Yes, that's what I feel" so they explore what they are saying and they know they've been understood.

Notice sighs and body shifts. They'll often indicate some insight or acceptance. Pause before asking something like "How does it all seem to you now?"

Know thyself

Reviewing what’s really going on for you helps you become less triggered during the conversation and remain calm and centred. Deep reflection on the following questions will certainly help you do this:

• What am I feeling and why am I feeling this way? What do I need in order to let go of this feeling of fear/hurt/anger/frustration?
• What do I want as an outcome and what needs to change?
• What part do I need to take responsibility for in this situation/problem?
• What assumptions am I making as a result of the situation? (e.g. they don't like me, they don't respect me.) Are they true? How do I know?

It is really important to understand your own weak spots, know what causes you to bite the hook. If you know which of your buttons, when pressed, cause what reaction, you can put in a plan to manage these so as to be able to respond instead of reacting to what’s being said or behaviours that are being played out.

Recognise, understand and manage emotions

Emotions often are not the result of workplace conflict but are in fact the conflict. Remember the emotions at play relate to both parties so not only do you have to manage your own emotions but also those of your counterpart. For example, when we are frustrated because our expectations are not being met, we need to recognise the trigger and how this trigger plays out in our reaction as well as its possible impact on the opposite party. We have to recognise and acknowledge that the other person may be feeling scared and threatened and that their emotions will also manifest in a particular reaction.

Our behaviours occur for a purpose. We are looking for ways to feel acknowledged, valued, secure, to belong and matter. When we feel our self-esteem is being threatened our ego kicks in to protect us and we lose control of reason. We react with obstructive behaviours and believe this will gain us the significance and sense of belonging or whatever it is we yearn for. Often the reaction these behaviours attract from the people we work with only serve to entrench them more and a downward spiral ensues. So it’s important to support the underlying needs of the people we are in conflict with without supporting their destructive faulty beliefs and alienating behaviours. 

Understanding all this helps you to navigate through often turbulent and murky waters.

When there is conflict it’s common for the individual to become defensive and tell you that it’s all your fault...you are the problem. At such a time it’s best to let the person know you've taken in what they are saying and to defuse the strong emotion.

When someone is attacking you verbally, moving into active listening mode is usually the most useful response to reduce the emotionality of the situation. It is difficult to be objective when the emotional level is high. Every time you correctly label an emotion the other person is feeling, the intensity of it dissipates. The person starts to feel heard and understood. Once the emotional level of the conflict has been reduced, reasoning abilities for both of you can function more effectively. When someone is telling you they are unhappy with you, criticising you, complaining about you, or just letting off steam. Here are some tips taken from the Conflict Resolution Network of how to manage this aspect:

• Don’t defend yourself at this point. It will inflame them further.
• Deal first with their emotions - People shout because they don't think they are being heard. Make sure they know they are - that you are hearing how angry or upset they are. Label accurately the emotions/feelings as you perceive them.
• Acknowledge their side - This does not mean you agree with them, only that you are registering their viewpoint e.g. "I can see, if you think that was my intention, why you are so mad", "I can see why that would make you so upset".

Ask open-ended questions and explore gently with them until you get what’s really behind the emotion. Once the heat is out of the conversation, you might say how it is for you without denying how it is for them. Ask what could be done now to make it OK again. If they heat up again, go straight back to active listening.

Move towards options for change or solution. Ask what they really want, or what they want now.

Your objective as the active listener is working towards your counterpart saying something like:  "Yes, that's what I said" so that they know you have taken in their point.

Identify and manage resistance

Conversations to resolve conflict will often bring you face to face with all kinds of resistance.

In these situations it’s best to ask open ended questions to reframe the resistance.  Explore the issues and then re-direct discussion to focus on positive possibilities. Janice is a manager who is really struggling with John who is a member of her team.  She feels John is a “bad fit” as she finds him to be unfriendly, uncooperative and resistant to taking on any additional tasks. She is so frustrated that she mostly ignores John and occasionally even has a dig at his expense in team meetings. John naturally feels picked on and intimidated so withdraws even further and is even less co-operative and forthcoming with Janice. A downward spiral ensues.

The situation is impacting the productivity and motivation of the entire team. Here are examples of some open questions that you could ask Janice when having a conversation about this situation:

Exploring the issue	He is lazy. He is not a team player. He is a clock watcher.	Compared to whom/according to whom? Against what criteria?
Find Options	He does not help any other team members or participate in any team activities	How can we find a way for him to participate and be more of a team player?
	I have tried everything already	What was the outcome?
Move to positive possibilities	He is useless, nothing will work!	What is he doing that is acceptable and what would it take to make it work?
Re-visit concerns and needs	He just doesn’t do his fair share	Where do you think his priorities lie?
	He is a hopeless case	It’s hard to see how to work with him?

An alternate view is that John is extremely shy and far from lazy. His prior manager praised him for being so focused and dedicated in ensuring his desk was cleared every night with little or no work-in-progress. This meant so much to John that he arrived well before the rest of the team so as not to be distracted and left bang on time having done an extra hour to 90 minutes of work daily. He even took his tea breaks at different times from the team so that there was someone to cover his calls whilst he was away from his desk. He limited his interaction with the team to work related matters as he wanted to continue delivering what his prior manager most valued i.e. A cleared desk and no Work-In-Progress. He never faltered in this task. Being of value and feeling acknowledged was all that mattered to him.

So yes, holding a conversation that is crucial or to resolve conflict is an art form to be mastered and takes a lot of practice and self- awareness. Like most things it starts and ends with you and your inner game. Mastering yourself, your own limiting beliefs, emotional triggers and knee jerk reactions are the critical first steps to managing crucial conversations. Knowing and managing yourself allows you to be calm and centred and when you can remain so under a stressful situation you can be most influential and impactful.     

If you are interested in delving deeper and mastering your personal leadership then we can help. Contact us today.