Get comfy with conflict because it’s here to stay
This article continues from a previous one 'If workplace conflict is natural, what are the best strategies for its resolution?'. Whilst the latter looks at what the organisation could do to manage conflict more effectively, this article looks at what paradigm shifts we as individuals can make to get more comfortable when dealing with conflict.
Looking back at my own corporate and leadership landscape, I acknowledge it consisted of more conflict avoidance than resolution. In my +25 year corporate career, workplace conflict was never a subject of training or discussion, yet if it were, it could have avoided so much frustration, stress and unnecessary expenditure of time, energy, and attention of all the parties concerned.
When I look back through the earlier leadership years, I see that what I feared most about conflict was being that person no one liked. Approval and acceptance mattered. I thought that being that "nice" leader who did not "rock the boat" was the key to a motivated and engaged team. As a result, I had an unhealthy belief that conflict was bad, negative, and should be avoided if possible.
Conflict avoidance often leads to two extreme outcomes- being a pushover who agrees with whoever has the loudest voice or taking the “my way or the highway” control and command approach in the hope that not asking for or encouraging input will prevent any opportunity for conflict. Neither are effective.
We are the total sum of our upbringing, background, culture, environment, life experiences etc. and as such needs, values and motivations must differ from one person to the next. Our world view or lenses through which we see and interpret everything around us is as unique as our fingerprints. That being the case is it realistic or even possible to agree with everyone all the time? Absolutely not!
Then would it not be more empowering to just embrace conflict as being as natural as breathing and get smart about how we deal with it?
When I actually do manage to get over myself and attempt to resolve conflict, I find that as soon as we get beyond our personal differences, endless possibilities open up. I generally end up closer to the person as we jointly try to find common ground and sometimes even experience a shift from taking on an adversary to working with a co-operative partner. Both parties and the organisation always benefit.
Here are some key takeaways that I can share about the kind of mindset that is helpful before even beginning any dialogue or conversation to resolve conflicts:-
Genuine Willingness
Firstly and most importantly, there has to be a genuine willingness to find a solution and move forward. I have to ask myself “am I willing to take 100% responsibility for my impact in resolving this conflict?” I only proceed if the answer to this question is a resounding “Yes”! Without this, any attempt to resolve the conflict quickly turns into a blame game, attack and defence instead of co-operation, and a need to be right over strengthening the relationship or getting a positive outcome.
Win-Win
Most of us learn to base our self-worth on comparisons and competition. We think about succeeding in terms of someone else failing - that is, if I win, you lose; or if you win, I lose. Life is a zero-sum game. There is only so much of the pie, and if you get a big piece, there is less for me.
The most impactful way of resolving conflict is to see life as a cooperative arena, not a competitive one. This means adopting a Win-Win frame of mind and heart that consistently seeks mutual benefit in all our human interactions. When we engage in WIN-WIN relationships we adopt a mindset that allows us to naturally do the following:
- Look for the good in other people. We believe that people are doing their very best
- Communicate clear expectations
- Seek other’s ideas and listen with empathy
- Communicate accurately, honestly and timely manner
- Treat people with respect and respond to the needs of others.
- Focus on the positive, but provide constructive feedback on improvement areas
As you work on your WIN/WIN attitude, you will discover a remarkable thing: conflicts resolve easily! You will find that you are less territorial and dogmatic. When you have confidence in your own abilities and believe that there is enough for everyone, you are less fixated on getting your way all the time.
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” – Stephen Covey’s fifth habit
Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival- to be affirmed, to be appreciated and to be understood.
If you’re like most people, you probably seek first to be understood. It’s just part of human nature- you want to get your point across. And in doing so, you may ignore the other person completely, pretend you’re listening, selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation, or attentively focus on only the words being said but miss the meaning entirely. So why does this happen?
Well, because most people listen with the intent to reply and not to understand. You listen to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, the questions you are going to ask etc. One of the main reasons for this is that you filter everything you hear through your own autobiography - your life experiences, your frame of reference. You check what you hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up and consequently, you decide prematurely what the other person means before he or she finishes communicating.
You can never understand another or resolve conflict unless you genuinely put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What does this really mean and how do you actually do this?
The most effective way for me is through empathic listening.
Be open to hearing what the other person is really saying- not simply the words, but the emotions, concerns, fears. Empathic listening is not about just listening with your ears. It’s about listening with your eyes and heart too. When others speak, the meaning you place on the communication comes from three sources:
The words they use, their body language, and how they say their words. Listening with your eyes means you pick up on non-verbal cues that another is communicating through his or her body language. Listening with your heart means listening for feelings and meaning that is expressed through the tone and inflection of another’s voice. And listening with your ears is simply hearing the actual words that are being said. It’s important to remember that more than 90% of what people communicate does not come through words but through non-verbal communication, such as tone and body language.
Empathic listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives, and interpretation, you’re dealing with reality inside another person’s head and heart. You’re focused on receiving the deep communication from another human soul.
So here are 10 steps to becoming an empathic listener:
- Practice saying, “take your time, I’m listening” and really mean it.
- Set aside your own agenda.
- Be available and receptive emotionally as well as through body language.
- Try to appreciate the other person’s point of view
- Listen without being in a hurry to take over
- Try to imagine yourself in the other’s place; feel what the speaker feels.
- Help draw out thought and feeling by asking questions
- Have the speaker elaborate for further understanding
- Say “Let me make sure I understand” and then restate the issue.
- Be sensitive to the speaker’s feelings.
Attitude is everything
Do you choose to see the glass as half full or half empty? Do you focus on the tiny black spot in the middle of the page or the possibility held in the vast white space around it? Do you see life as a contest to be won or a constant learning and growing experience to be treasured?
What if there are no winners and losers and what if conflict is just another way of learning something new and growing and expanding in awareness?
I used to proudly declare that I was a perfectionist until my coach gave me a different insight about the two most dramatically contrasting attitudes in life we can live and work by as illustrated in the table below.
| Perfection | Discovery |
|---|---|
| Right/Wrong | Inquiry/Exploration |
| Judgement | Acceptance |
| Fear/Anxiety | Excitement/Enthusiasm |
| Unwillingness | Willingness |
| Low risk taking | High risk taking/Experiment |
| Frustration | Fascination |
| Life is a struggle and hard work | Joy/Fun/Play |
| Mistakes are unacceptable | Everything is a success |
| Unbendable beliefs about what’s proper | Perspective |
| I have to be right | Humility |
| Blame | What are the possibilities |
| Low self-esteem | High self-esteem |
When I am more present, I now try to be kinder to myself and those around me by being more child-like and not needing to be the “perfectionist” as that is hard work for everyone concerned but mostly for me.
When I take on the attitude of discovery I experience less conflict within myself and with others. When I am more present and aware perhaps I don’t even see conflict as that anymore, but instead am able to view it as an exploration of something new, a different view to consider, just another possibility.
It takes a great deal of reflection and self-awareness to release our old conditioning. Are you willing and ready to do so? We can help. Contact us today.